Welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller. I'm here with Janeane Garofalo.
And Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers is gonna be here.
It's gonna be great.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Serpico, meets Toma, meets Baretta here.
Stuck in the asphalt jungle down here.
- I don't know why we're down here. - Hey, enough of your attitude, okay?
We can do the show from any place with any look that we want.
Why don't we go to the first film.
- Who are you? - I don't know.
I'm allowed to wear a leather jacket, though, and have graffiti behind me.
Not only is it sweltering hot out here...
...but we're about to have our throats slit...
...by Dutch Tilt and his gang.
- Dutch Tilt? Is he a gangster? - Dutch Tilt and his gang. I have to go.
All right. Why...?
Hi. I'm Daniel Day-Lewis. Those of you who've seen Last of the Mohicans...
...know that much of the plot consists of my character...
...running from one place to another.
Running up hills...
...running across fields...
...through rivers, running, running and more running.
How did I get into shape for all this running, you ask?
The answer is this:
The Mohican Master 2000.
When I want a light warm-up, I set the Master to "Chased By Bears."
For a challenging workout...
...I move on to "Pursued by Flesh-Eating Huron Tribesmen."
And for full-on aerobic training...
...I press "Surrounded by Drunken Yankee Traders With Muskets."
Wow. A workout like that will sweat off your tribal tattoos.
The Mohicans may have been last in the race to survive...
...but they were number one when it came to cross training.
Come on. What are you waiting for? Get yourself a Master.
It helped put the "I can" back into this Mohican.
The Mohican Master 2000. Get yours today.
Warning. If something goes wrong on the treadmill...
...stay on! Do not get off! I will come. No matter what occurs, I will fix it.
That's my personal guarantee to you.
And, for a limited time, get a rebate on Jazzercise With Wolves...
... the step aerobic system by Kevin Costner.
Okay, feel yourselves scalping that weight away.
Scalp it off. Scalp it off.
This offer not available in Kentucky.
Hey, welcome back. And we're here with our guest, Clara.
Very excited to have you here. How you doing?
- Fine. - You look great.
That's a very nice tattoo you've got. You want to show the people?
Look at that beautiful... We'll get a shot of that later.
By the way, Clara's dad, Flea, is here also. How you doing?
I'm all right. I'm just hanging around on Clara's coattails...
...hoping to soak up a little glamour.
I know. Well, just... I think she kind of carries us all, doesn't she?
She just tries to keep me in line. She says:
"Papa, whenever you come along with me on these showbiz things...
...and people just care about fashion and looking good and social climbing...
...and all this disgusting stuff, always remember the purity...
...of things like basketball, John Coltrane, things like that."
- That's words to live by. - Words to live by.
All right, let's go to this, then. Look at that tattoo. There it is.
Look at that tattoo. She's a coy one.
It's Christmas Eve in L.A., and New York cop John McClane...
... is shopping with his wife.
California.
Everyone on the floor...
Attention, shoppers...
...for the next 10 minutes, we will have a special offer:
$2 million in Christmas coupons in exchange for your lives.
What country is this guy from?
They're as brilliant as they are ruthless.
- I want the Christmas coupons. - Eat me.
Bon appétit, Mr. Whipple.
- But he's very cunning. - Find him!
Paper or plastic, you son of a...?
They say lightning can't strike 12 times...
- ... but don't tell him. - Hey, fellas, gotta eat your greens!
Who the hell is this guy?
Who are you? You're very annoying.
I got news for you, pal: That's what the people pay to see.
Bruce Willis.
You just destroyed an entire deli section, mister.
What do you think I'm doing, comparison shopping?
What does he think he's doing?
His job.
I'm in charge here!
Scum-check, aisle six.
He's alone. He's tired.
The food is rotten! The bathroom is locked!
He's running out of one-liners!
Think, damn it, think.
Sorry to pick on you guys.
Yeah.
Your coincidental appearance at every terrorist attack on Christmas Eve...
...grows tiresome, Mr. Bad Boy!
Shut up!
"Come to the store. We'll go shopping. We'll get a Christmas turkey."
Die Hard 12.
Die Hungry.
How could the same thing happen to the same guy so many times?
Bruce Willis. Die Hard 12. Coming this Christmas to theaters everywhere.
Okay, we're back, and we're talking with Clara...
...and Clara's dad, Flea, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- How's it going? - I'm feeling all right.
I'm thinking about pummeling you violently in basketball shortly.
You can try. You can try. We'll see what happens.
They say guys from New York are much worse than guys from L.A. At basketball.
I was gonna prove that point and embarrass you on your show.
Well, the tattoo intimidation factor might, you know, play a part.
Clara, what do you think? Is your dad a good ballplayer?
- Yeah? - Am I pretty good?
Clara, who's the best basketball player in the world?
Who's the best basketball player in the world?
She's pointing to him. I think you're a little bit biased, okay?
Because he's your dad. I'm not claiming to be a great ballplayer.
Why don't we just go to this.
I'm not claiming to be great, either. I'm good at poking people in the eye...
...tripping, hair pulling, you know, "Hey, look over there."
Well, I can play that game too, my friend. Two can play that one.
- How does this work into your game? - Be gentle with that.
The following is a paid advertisement.
And now a special message about the Let Go Clinic with Tony Bobbins.
Hi, my name is David Cassidy, and I'm about to tell you something...
...that could change your life.
Two years ago, my girlfriend dumped me, despite the fact that I'm a huge star...
...and still look incredibly young and handsome.
Anyway, the point is, I was so shattered emotionally...
...I could hardly carry on with my life...
...a life of ease and riches. Then I met Tony Bobbins.
When a girl breaks up with you, it's like you're an insect or something.
You're a fly, and she's ripped off your wings.
What we do at the Let Go Clinic...
...is give you the tools you'll need to grow those wings back...
...teach you to fly again, so you can buzz around and find her...
...and burn her face with your noxious saliva.
That's what the Let Go Clinic is all about.
Tony, what exactly do the esteem coaches at your center do?
Good question. You know, after my fifth wife left me...
...I was living in an 8-by-10-foot studio apartment...
...300 pounds overweight, chained to the wall, eating dog food.
I'm over 7 feet tall. That doesn't paint a pretty picture.
I mean, I'd really hit bottom. Then I thought...
...wouldn't it be great if I could pay someone to fix my life for me?
- So that's what I've done. - Really?
First step: We remove you from your relationship-tainted environment.
Remember when we went to the mall and I bought you the pink-haired troll doll?
- Oh, my God! - Code blue! Code blue!
The possum is in the cage. Repeat, the possum is in the cage.
- We got a live one here. - No!
- Come on, get the mask on. - No!
Love letters and cold pizza! We got a rough one!
I want total lock-down on this!
Second step: We force you to watch hundreds of hours...
...of the television program Love, American Style.
Pretty tough medicine.
Step three: Physical therapy.
We get you to associate pain with your old relationship.
Oh, my God!
This guy is onto something.
Just because I host Studs does not necessarily mean...
...I'm capable of having my own mutually fulfilling human relationship.
In fact, I was obsessed for 21 years with the first girl I ever kissed...
...but through reconditioning me...
...Tony Bobbins has allowed me to get on with my life.
Tony Bobbins helped me let go...
...so that I could burn my ex-girlfriend with my noxious saliva. Thanks, Tony.
Okay, now you've associated my ex-girlfriend with pain...
...so it hurts to even think about her.
- What next? - Now's the part I like best.
Here's where the adventure begins.
We get you to use those same techniques to build yourself up again.
No! No!
- Who wants some cake? - Oh, yes...
Tony, what would you consider your personal key to success?
Step four: I hypnotize you with my teeth, and you pay me money.
- Tony, are you the devil? - I am not evil. I am not the devil.
None of the people seen interviewed were paid for their endorsement.
Except Mark DeCarlo, who cut some sort of a deal.
The other guy and I did it for free, because we believe in the program...
...and because he called me in the morning.
I was tired. I wasn't working that week. Sort of disoriented too. I don't know.
People come up to me all the time and say:
"How dare you take money from hundreds of thousands of people...
...and promise to make them happy?" And I have to laugh...
...because wasn't it worth taking all that money...
...if I can make just one person happy, even if that one person is me?
Come on. What are you waiting for?
Quit crying over her and embrace me.
By the way, I'm not just the founder of the Let Go Clinic...
...I'm also its first member.
We're with Flea. We're going to play a friendly game of one-on-one.
- It's gonna be really friendly. - Friendly.
What I'm gonna do to you is disgusting.
It's terrifying. It's frightening. It's really horrific.
It's gonna be worse than getting dumped by your wife...
...and finding her with your best friend.
I got an idea. Why don't we make it interesting?
Let's put a wager on the game.
If I win, the Chili Peppers have to play on the show live.
All right. If you win, the Red Hot Chili Peppers play The Ben Stiller Show.
But if I win, which will most certainly be the case...
...you have to take off your clothes...
...and run naked screaming down Wilshire Boulevard, undulating wildly.
Okay, all right. That's it.
It'll probably ruin your career, and you'll marry your cousin.
- Okay, you can take the ball out first. - Ready?
Total faith in this.
He scores!
Why don't we just go to a film, okay? We'll be back after this.
I really love your name. I mean, your name is fabulous.
And you're so beautiful. I'm glad I met you.
- It really makes my night. - Excuse me.
- You're Herve Villachaize? - That's right.
- You played Tattoo, right? - Yeah, right.
- You blow me away. - Thank you very much.
- What you do, it's really unbelievable. - I'm glad you like it.
I get what you do. Ringing the bell, the three-piece suit, Fantasy Island...
...I love it. - Really kind.
I respect it. It's got a very special center to it.
- I think it's beautiful. - Thanks.
- Do me a favor, give me one, huh? - Give you what?
- We all want to hear it. Just one. - You mean...?
We want to hear it. Come on.
Come on. Do it.
All right. The plane. The plane.
That's great. That's wonderful. That's amazing.
All right, now say, "Welcome to Fantasy Island."
- That's not my line. - Come on, do it anyway.
- No. - No. Where are we? Welcome to where?
- You want me to do the whole Fantasy Island? - No, Herve, where are we?
I don't know where we are. Welcome to where?
- Welcome to where? - Welcome to Fantasy Island.
I'm transported. It's like I'm coming off the boat, they're giving me champagne.
My wife loves you. Has a crush on you. Do me a favor, come buy her a drink.
- Do what? - Buy her champagne. It'll blow her away.
- I can't do that. - No, come on, do it.
- It's not right. - Herve, do it. Herve, do it for me.
Come on, one drink. Do it.
Herve, do it.
Do it. Come on, do it.
- No, it hurts me. - Just don't keep scratching.
- It'll never heal. - I'm not gonna scratch. It'll scab.
- Hi. - Oh, my God! It's Herve Villachaize!
Well, I was wondering, can I buy you a glass of champagne?
A glass of champagne! I am gonna put you in my pocket...
...and march right out of here. - That's wonderful.
- No, thank you. I'm on Pritikin. - No, seriously, insist. Come on.
I insist. Have a glass of champagne.
No, thank you, doll. I'm not drinking this week.
No, seriously, beg her. Do it.
I beg you to have a glass of champagne with me, please.
I don't know what to say.
- The lady said she didn't want a drink. - What?
No. Come on, beat it. No, seriously, get the hell out of here.
Short stuff, you want a piece of me? Get out.
- You're out of your mind. You're crazy. - Now, no buts. Hit the road, Jack.
All right.
Thank you, doll. That was very uncomfortable.
These Hollywood types think they rule the world.
- I don't know what that's about. - They hit on me enough.
- That's because you're a lovely lady. - Oh, Maury.
- Hey, here's to you. - You're amazing.
No, you're amazing.
It's time once again for Ask Manson...
... starring America's favorite answer man, Charles Manson.
Our first letter comes from Ronald Garner from Syosset, New York, who writes:
Dear Mr. Manson...
... how come the muffler on my 1954 Chevy keeps making a hissing sound?
Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. That's my sound. That's the sound of me.
I'm out there. I'm inside your muffler. You don't like it, but that's too late!
I already got inside. I don't shut up.
They try to shut me up, but I'm a bigmouth, like Martha Raye.
I'm a Bing Crosby fan. I'm not a Beatle fan.
I got friends out there, they got ice picks. And they're going...
When you hear me, you'd better...
I'd check your muffler's seal.
Ask Manson was brought to you by Happy Children's Toys.
See, that's not fair. He's got...
- Out of bounds. Out of bounds. - All right, I got it.
- All right, Clara, plan B! Plan B! - You're nothing, Clara.
Clara, get those hands up. Get those hands up.
Oh, my God. All right, we'll be back after this. I gotta stop after that.
- We got him. - I don't like how rough you play.
I got a problem with you.
Clara, I told you, plan B.
I told you, plan B, Clara, not plan B3.
Hey, family, Mommy's home.
Doris, I killed the kids.
Not now, Skank. The ice cream's melting.
I'm not kidding. They were driving me nuts.
Oh, no.
Happy anniversary, Mom!
You guys.
Happy 10th anniversary, sweetheart.
Now break out the chips, and let's party.
I forgot the chips.
You forgot the chips on our anniversary?!
Skank, it must've slipped my mind.
Why the hell don't you love me?
- Skank, I love everything about you! - Then love this: I'm leaving!
Dad!
Shut your stinking trap!
- Don't go. - You're just like your mother!
So how does this work, girls? Do I pay you now or in two minutes?
- Skank, you're home? - Hello, Doris. How are the kids?
Who's this, sweetie, your sister?
I'll tell you who I am, lady.
I am this man's wife, and when I said...
..."till death do us part" 10 years ago, I meant it.
Skank, can you ever forgive me?
You bet, sweetie.
Now let's get your cute little heinie up to the bedroom...
...before I bite it off and spit it up there!
Sorry, girls. I won't be cheating on my wife today.
Doris, if there's one thing I learned...
...it's that sex is so much better when it's free.
With the one you love, of course.
I should just shut my stinking trap.
Why don't you just let me shut it for you.
Yeah.
The Ben Stiller Show is brought to you by Tony Bobbins and the Let Go Clinic.
And now another word from Tony.
You know, when I was 13, my first girlfriend broke up with me...
...and I was devastated.
I put on 75 pounds in two days, and I jumped from 6' 1 "to 7'2" within a week.
I was a freak. No one would talk to me. My parents didn't even want to see me.
And I realized that I'd have to turn within...
...to gain any control that I would have in my life.
Now I'm a giant both on the inside and outside...
...though not technically a giant. And now I will rule the world.
I am king, and I will hypnotize you. Look at my teeth. They rule you.
And now back to The Ben Stiller Show.
All right, Flea, come on. All right.
All right, so we're here. It's 10-6. Flea's winning by a couple points.
All right, go. Come on. Give me everything you got, man.
I'm ready. I'm ready.
I didn't even block you on that one, man.
Come on. Come here.
It's a steal!
All right, there you go. There's game.
- Okay. - Nice job, Flea.
- Nice game, and I'm sorry. - It was great.
Ben has to get naked.
I'm very sorry that you have to go through with this.
Go through with what?
- Let's talk about this. - What are we talking about?
- Talk about what? - You have to take off all your clothes...
...and display yourself on Wilshire Boulevard.
No, that's what you do. I don't do that.
- I do a little comedy show. - You're gonna have to do it.
- See you next week. - I don't do that.
How can you look me in the eye and go back on the bet?
I'm not... I gotta go. I'll see you though. Thank you.
- Okay. - You know, laughing leads to crying.
Step four: I hypnotize you with my teeth, and you send me mo...
Keep your knives sharp.
No. No. No.
No. Cut.
[ENGLISH]